The Best Pumpkin Carver. Ever.

Wanna know a secret? Actually it's not a secret but it's still pretty cool. Okay, I'll tell you, but you have to promise to tell everyone. I am....the best....pumpkin carver. Ever. Seriously, I am extremely talented at carving pumpkins. Just ask my neighbors, I've been telling them for weeks.

And now, because I am not only extremely talented, but also extremely generous, I, Vanessa Lynn Tuepker, am going to reveal to you my pumpkin carving secrets. Ready? I'm only going to say this once, so listen carefully.

IcalledMichelleandshetoldmetogetacarvingkit,soIwenttowalmartandtheywereout,soIcamehome
andcriedandthenwenttotheHalloweenstorewhereIshouldhavegonetobeginwithandtherei
foundacarvingkitrightunderthebottlesofblood.Ithenwentbacktowalmartandboutpumpkins
andthencamehomeandcarvedthemusingmynewcarvingkitthatIfoundundertheblood
intheHalloweenstore.

Did you get all that. I hope so, cause I did it just for you and if you made me say it again, I think I would cry. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would cry.

WHAT! You didn't understand what I said really quietly, quickly, and in one long word! Hold on, I have to go cry.

Okay, I'm back. I guess I'll have to tell you the secret. Again. Sheesh, could you guys listen this time? I would really appreciate it. Thanks.

So here, again, is my secret to insane, pumpkin carving skills. I don't mean that I'm insane while I carve the pumpkin, or that my pumpkin is insane, only that my skills are so amazing, they are insane. As in wonderful, amazing, incredible, insane. Get it? I hope, so cause I'm getting tired of repeating stuff to you guys today.

Step Number 1: Be very cool, like Vanessa cool. It may be a little hard for you guys to manage this one, but don't be discouraged and do your best.

Number 2: Go to Wal-Mart and get a "Pumpkin Carving Kit".

Number 3: Come home and carve your pumpkin!

See, I told you it was easy!

This is how mine turned out.

First I gathered all of my materials.

Okay, okay, this isn't all of the materials I used, but when I took the picture mom hadn't come yet and told me what I really needed. So work with me here.

Then, I traced and cut out a lid.

Actually, those are mom's hands. She's pretty good at carving pumpkins too. I guess.

Now, you scoop out all the gunk inside. It's pretty gross, but I did it, rugged person that I am. Okay, okay! Mom did a little bit of it, but I did most of it. Fine! Mom did a lot of it, but I did stick my hand in there. I did. Please stop looking at me with doubt in your eyes, because I did.

Stop doubting me! Just because those are mom's hands, again, I swear that I did do some of the work.

Once the pumpkin is all cleaned out (and I did help) you tape on the pattern you want. What, did you guys think I did wonderful carvings from my imagination? You guys kill me!

As you can see, I'm doing a witch. I'm superior like that.

Then, you trace the outline with the little tracer thingy, like I'm doing here:

The key is to put as much concentration into it as I am. You don't get superior pumpkins by not putting any concentration into it. It also helps if you ignore the chair behind you and hunker down in an uncomfortable position for long periods of time. You get a very nice outline and the ache in your back makes you feel like you worked really hard at it. Trust me, you must do this for maximum fun!

Now that it's outlined you remove the paper and it should look something like this. Of course, if you chose to do something besides the witch, it will be slightly different, but the dots should show up the same. Only different.

Now its a simple matter of connecting the dots with the really fun saw blade thingy. Mom had doubts about letting me use it, but decided that as long as she was present, everything would be okay.

Finally, after everything was cut out, I had this: the coolest, bestest pumpkin ever.

Oh, yeah and mom did one too. Here they are.

I know, I know, I am wonderful. I told you so. I am the best pumpkin carver. Ever.